D-day (male perspective of being dumped.)
it is a year today that i went out on a date with the love of my life. we went to go see black swan. i hate that movie now with all of my insides. i can't stand the sight of kiera knightley. make me wanna puke. if i ever see a black swan in person i might choked it to death, but anyways. our relationship was off and on because of my extremely cold feet. i let a past terrible horrible scaring relationship affect our progress. the first one in quite some time. brother was taking it slow. i thought i had released all my baggage. needless to say i didn't. don't get me wrong i didn't treat her bad in anyway. that was my heart. i just never let her all the way in. i had walls up that i never even noticed i built over the years. i had one eye on her and the other eye on the next best thing. i didn't water my grass properly. i mean i watered it, but i was never all the way committed. all my life i have been the one to move on. hand them the walking papers. i always tried to be as gentle as possible and not an asshole. i did it in person, explained the reasons why i thought we should move on. and i would still be there for them if they needed me for any reason. i have met some great women so far, but for some reason i have always focused on their flaws rather than the things i loved about them. the things that brought us together.
there should be a school of love. we need to learn how to give and receive in balance. we have givers out there and we have takers and it seems it is rare the the two ever co-exist and exchange the energy in balance. seems like one person is always doing more of something. i really thought i was ready, but then i thought needed more time. looking back now i feel if i would have just opened up, everything i ever needed was already there for me. loving me. wanting me. my arrogance mislead be to believe that my "stuff " was so super bomb that it would never be denied. that my abilities of affection, touch and thrust were unmatchable. that i could put her on hold with a separation move out see other people and figure things out on my our time frame and she would just patiently wait, right? well. i know better now. better than you know. for six months i attempted to flood mankind with my useless tears in mourning. the next six months i stood in total denial and shock. she really aint calling a brother. every date i went on the chick was ready to go the moment the date started. pass. guess i am not good at hiding the things like that. they could probably see it in my eyes. they probably felt my detachment no matter how hard i tried to be in the present. i don't think i have ever missed someone so much. outside of my son of course. never really imagined that we wouldn't speak anymore. i am cool with all my ex's no matter what we broke up over. [deep breathe] ...so there comes a time when you have to pick yourself up. stop blaming yourself, even if it is your fault and move on. for me that hasn't been easy because i am stubbornly defiant, resiliently strong and i hate to lose....but damn everybody loses sometime
we live in a time where as a man we are so misunderstood. and as black men, often taught by women, without fathers whose grandparents might still be sons and daughters of slaves. not even 50 years removed from injustices that hard caused him to harden and not trust anyone. misunderstood why? because we never share how we feel. society has been taught to mock men for sharing emotions then we wonder why we don't get each other.
why everyone is always fighting? why everyone is always angry. seems that everyone wears mask when we all have the same thing inside. love. lack of it drives us crazy. but when we have it we don't know what to do with it. till we fuck it up and then start the process all over again. we seem to be running in circles. you hard on the outside and soft as jello.
i have grown sensitive to seeing people argue or being mistreated. when did everyone stop giving a fuck? and why is that cool? going for self is killing us as a whole. we are far less productive than ants on a molehill without each other. respecting each other. respecting our neighborhoods. respecting our community, together. that is the only way to win. or else we are just slowly dying in search of love.
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Haitian Benefit and last PST
MAN the place was packed early. can't believe it is the last pst just like that. Thanks for all the support sake onederful i don't know the exact amount raised but i know it was healthy. everyone was very generous towards the cause.
there where time you could barely move in there.
Home Turf
Every tues night. as laid back as you wanna be. always dope music cheap drinks and no cover what more could you ask for....
cirque du soleil…
i used to go to vegas twice a year for work. most of the crew that i traveled with acted like they dreaded it. i loved my job at the time, i always looked forward to the trip myself. the only thing was we didn't get a lot of time to ourselves. it would be like a 12 hour on your feet all day work day. dinner maybe a movie and then out to some exclusive party for the night.. but no time to hit the pool, the spa, no time to explore. i always wanted to go to see wayne brady and cirque du soleil. so when ru hit me up and said the new friends we made the other night from canada invited us to a cirque du soleil show i was like.. word!!. we met these lovely ladies at the rich medina show. they where just passing through on a 3 week vacation headed south. music was proper, we where all getting down. new friends are fresh. thanks ladies. the show itself was better than i imagined. if you get a chance to go, GO! amazing. i think my mouth hung open the whole time. the costumes the lighting. even the jester type dude was so outta pocket it was crazy.
we got a double bonus treat and we were able to go backstage after the show. they have all kinds of gymnastic equipment back there and i heard they practice all the time. it shows they perform to absolute perfection. i made some serious eye contact when the performer that had me the most mesmerized. too bad she was in the middle of an interview. she turned her neck all the way around as i walked by in my smooth slow motion walk. we were taking the full tour of the place. she was gone when i got back.
is it needless to say cameras where not allowed inside so i had to be real discreet with these shots. shussh don't tell anyone.
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New Years @ eve sf.
this was such a dope night. i got the gig at the last minute. its all love with the staff at eve s.f. they always treat a brother well. this evening was packed early of course so it was already kraken when i got there. everybody was on the dance floor drinking away, spilling drinks, kissing action was everywhere. my camera was acting kinda funny on me. i had people posing and waiting forever, my bad. i will upgrade my equipment as soon as i can. everyones energy was great people where happy to take shots. may this new year be the best one you have every had.
Health
finally got off my butt today and went to see about a gym membership. i mean i know i can work out here and save money, but i like the other options that are offered. i had a membership once before when i first moved here, but its been awhile. the location i went seemed cool. basketball competition looked good. it was smaller then the other location i used to visit but it will work. got in a conversation with a brother on the bus that saw me reading on the way there. people are starting to talk about reading again. i have put down my headphones and traded them in for a book. currently re-reading the auto biography of Malcolm x.
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